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Sportsgeekz History - Soccer


Aug 10

January 31, 2006

Tags: Soccer | Posted by Orion at @ 5:18 pm
Welcome to a new SportsGeekz feature! I’m Orion, and I’ll be filling in the gaping hole in Allen’s knowledge of all things related to that ‘other’ football game, better known in this part of the world as soccer. We’ll focus primarily on the US National Team’s march to World Cup 2006 in Germany later this summer, with a few hits from other world teams as well as the preparation for MLS’s 11th season. Of course there’ll be plenty of New England Revolution news, too, just to preserve the local color. [Editor’s note: Yes, Orion and I are both in New England. And no, we’re not apologizing for our New England bias, either — please note the picture of Tom Brady in our masthead.]

Let’s kick off this month’s column with a look at the US’s performance in their recent international friendlies, where Bruce Arena is trying desperately to pick half of his 23-man World Cup squad from a record crop of MLS players.

USA 0:0 CAN (1/22/06)
A lackluster and uninspired performance from a bunch of players who should know better. If you’re competing for a roster spot for Germany, every single performance from now until May is crucial to you. The US played down to Canada’s level, although to be fair I should say that Canada (with former MLS man Frank Yallop behind the bench) is no longer quite the perennial CONCACAF doormat that they once were. With little else to talk about, we’re left to ponder the implications of media darling and US Soccer “savior” du jour Freddy Adu’s first cap, coming on for the last 15 minutes of the game and having no impact whatsoever.

On the home front, local boy Matt Reis (NE Revolution ‘keeper) also got his first cap as well as his first shutout. Long in the shadow of Kevin Hartman (his teammate first in college and then at the Galaxy before the Revs picked him up), Reis is finally getting a well-deserved chance to shine on the national team. Don’t go booking him a ticket for Germany, but keep an eye on him for 2010.

USA 5:0 NOR (1/29/06)
Ahhhh… that’s better. I think this match was best summed up by Jaime Trecker, writing for Fox Soccer Channel: “Five years ago, this afternoon’s matchup was the type of game that the Americans would struggle to dominate. Today the Americans put Norway down like a sick animal – quickly and efficiently, and it is to their complement that they did it without the aid of their far more experienced European-based members.”

It was a good day for the local boys once again, as Arena chose a Revolution-flaovered attacking squad: Twellman up front (3 goals?!) with Pat Noonan and Clint Dempsey on the wings providing service. I don’t know that Noonan is best choice on the left wing but I really like Clint’s workrate on the right, and right midfield is a huge hole for us going into Germany. It remains to be seen whether Clint can fill that role on the international level, and on a consistent basis.

Quick Takes
» Freddy Adu became the youngest ever capped American, at 16 years and 234 days of age. He’s still eligible for the U-17 and U-20 teams, not to mention the U-23 Olympic squad… and frankly, I think he should stay there. Wait until he’s getting first-team time at United (be it DC or Manchester, your choice) before you give him a real shot on the full senior side.

» Speaking of United, FC Barcelona is rumored to be interested in buying the operating rights to the DC franchise. I think foreign investment would be a good thing for the league, but I’m not holding my breath on this deal. Rumors have been floating around about this stuff since MLS Cup ‘05 and I wouldn’t be suprised if this was all just hot air.

» The Houston franchise (formerly of San Jose) announced their name and colors this past week. We’ve already taken pages from England (DC United, FC Dallas), Spain (Real Salt Lake), and South America (CD Chivas USA)… now we’re going for Germany. “Houston 1836? is an interesting choice. My major problem with it is that German teams like 1860 Munich are referring to the year in which their team was founded, not their city. Nice try, Houston.

» Allen Hopkins of Fox Soccer Channel gives the Revs a B on their MLS SuperDraft picks. I’ll admit to being mostly ignorant of this year’s incoming class, but it sounds like Steve Nicol is pretty happy with the squad that he already has – and who wouldn’t be after last season’s performance? Investing in youth and taking a couple of gambles is likely to pay off in the future, with very little downside.

» That’s it for now. Next time I’ll have my predictions for the World Cup Finals and analysis of the upcoming friendlies against Japan and Guatemala. In the meanwhile, if there’s something you’ve been dying to know
about soccer, send it along and I’ll answer it in an upcoming column.

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January 23, 2006

Tags: NFL, NBA | Posted by Allen at @ 11:31 pm
Man, busy couple of days…

» Congratulations to the Seattle Seahawks and Pittsburgh Steelers for earning the right to play in Super Bowl XL (as predicted here Friday). I know that Seahawks-Steelers isn’t exactly a marquee matchup for the NFL (though, c’mon, you’ve gotta admit–at the very least, it’s got to have more national interest than the St. Louis-Tennessee Super Bowl did), but I truly think this game has the potential to be one of our more exciting Super Bowls (like the aforementioned Rams-Titans game). These two teams are pretty evenly matched — both have balanced offenses, hard-hitting defenses, solid coaching, excellent young quarterbacks, ravenous fan bases. I’m going to need all two weeks between now and the game to make my pick.

» I was glad to note that the officiating in general wasn’t a problem in the conference championship games. The refs in the Pittsburgh-Denver game seemed mostly to back off and let the guys play; the refs in the Seattle-Carolina game seemed to take their time and perhaps be a little too careful with their calls. Neither game had perfect officiating, but I don’t expect perfection, just competence, which is what we got — and that fact puts those two games a step up on last weekend’s.

» Welcome back, Jake Plummer. We missed you. Picking on Kyle Orton and Mike McMahon just wasn’t as much fun.

» Remind me never ever never to get tackled by Lofa Tatupu. (Hey, it could happen — he’s from Plainville, Massachusetts, which is only two towns over from me. Y’never know when I could, like, run into him at the Borders on Route 1 or something, and maybe I’d meet his eye and he’d think I’d looked at him wrong, like I wasn’t giving him any respect ’cause nobody gives the Seahawks any damn respect (really I wasn’t disrespecting the guy — I’d just seen a picture of a half-naked Nicole Richie in Maxim and it made me feel kinda sick), and he could decide he needed to take my ass down right fucking there in Borders, over by the magazines in front of the coffee shop. And then Tedy Bruschi would show up, ’cause he lives in North Attleboro, so of course he’s hanging at Borders when all of this goes down, and Bruschi can’t let Tatupu just plaster a civilian like that, it’s just not right, so Tedy flies into him like Lofa’s got a big number 18 on his chest, and then somebody throws a yellow flag for a late hit, and Bruschi’s got to move his family back fifteen yards. Could happen.)

» The annual NFL coaching shuffle’s just about wrapped up, with only Oakland yet to find anyone willing to submit to being Al Davis’ lap dog. The Texans finally get to nab Gary Kubiak, which might just be a good fit — if Kubiak could turn Plummer into a Pro Bowl quarterback, he should be able to do wonders for David Carr. Getting an offensive-minded coach was an imperative knowing that they’re going to take Reggie Bush with the first pick, and hiring Kubiak was a better choice than hiring someone like Mike Martz — at least Kubiak’s suckage is still purely theoretical.

NFL Coaching Carousel
The Team The Gone The New
Buffalo Mike Mularkey Dick Jauron
Detroit Steve Mariucci/
Dick Jauron Rod Marinelli (*)
Green Bay Mike Sherman Mike McCarthy (*)
Houston Dom Capers Gary Kubiak (*)
Kansas City Dick Vermeil Herm Edwards
Minnesota Mike Tice Brad Childress (*)
New Orleans Jim Haslett Sean Payton (*)
New York Jets Herm Edwards Eric Mangini (*)
Oakland Norv Turner TBD
St. Louis Mike Martz Scott Linehan (*)
* N00bie
» Buffalo picks former Bears coach Dick Jauron out of the recycling bin, dusts him off and puts him in charge of a team that hasn’t made the playoffs in six years. We think Jauron should do fine in Buffalo since their defense is so close to playoff caliber already — a good defensive coach is exactly what the Bills needed. (OK, well, a good defensive coach and a real quarterback. That’d help, too.)

Jauron’s hiring brings us to a point we’ve been meaning to make for a week or so — why aren’t more guys with NFL head-coaching experience getting second chances? Of the nine teams which have hired new coaches this offseason, seven of them hired guys who have never been an NFL head coach (many of them have never been head coaches at any level). We realize that we just poked fun at Mike Martz above for having already proven he sucks, which can’t be said of all the new guys… yet. But not all of the veteran head coaches out there were as wretched as Martz.

I’m not at all against giving coordinators their shots to be head coaches. But it seems that the guys with experience aren’t even getting that many interviews, which we find bizarre. We think part of it might be that franchises are afraid of alienating their fans by hiring coaches who have already been “failures” with other teams. It’s easier for the Lions, for instance, to promote “promising” new coach Rod Marinelli than it might have been to promote, say, Jim Haslett.

But remember, all of you teams rushing to pick up the new guys: Bill Belichick was 36-44 with only one playoff appearance when he was coach of the Cleveland Browns. Coaches have to learn somewhere, and many times the lessons they learn in those first “failed” stints make them far better coaches the second time around. Just sayin’.

» So after unbeatens Duke and Pitt both lost early in the day on Saturday… do you think unbeaten Florida just wanted to be trendy or what? C’mon, Gators — if all of the other unbeaten teams had jumped off a bridge, would you have jumped, too? Would you have gotten your nose pierced just ’cause Duke did?

» Eighty-one points, huh? Yeah, well… you’re still an asshole.

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January 20, 2006

Tags: NFL | Posted by Allen at @ 9:41 pm
Home team in caps.

Pittsburgh over DENVER. Something in my gut tells me that one of the two road teams will be pulling off the upset and going to Detroit; I think the Steelers will be the one. I think a lot of what it comes down to is that, even after a 13-3 regular season and a playoff win over the two-time defending champions, I’m still not sold on the Broncos. I’ve watched them play several times this year and they just don’t look that good — they are a good team, don’t get me wrong, but they’ve never seemed to have that swagger or that ability to beat the snot out of their opponent that I expect from teams that make it to the Super Bowl.

Once again, weather’s not going to be a factor — it’s a shame for Denver to get two home playoff games and not have the weather help them out for either one. Though, of course, the referees helped them out plenty last weekend. (Ba DUM bum.)

Pittsburgh will be able to run on Denver, but Denver won’t be able to say the same. The Steelers will successfully enact the game plan the Patriots wanted to accomplish last week: jump on the Broncos early and make Jake Plummer throw the ball. Two Troy Polamalu interceptions (one returned for a touchdown) later, and the Steelers are in Super Bowl XL. And it won’t even be close. Pittsburgh 27, Denver 10.

SEATTLE over Carolina. Trying to pick a winner has been making shreddy twisty bits of my brain all week. I can’t get a handle on it. Carolina’s been playing really well the last few weeks, but every time this season they’ve had a stretch of a few great games, they’ve suffered a humiliating loss. And Seattle, 14-2 or not, just has the feel of a team waiting to fold. I don’t know.

I eventually decided to go with Seattle, though not without a healthy degree of doubt. The Seahawks have home field advantage. The Panthers are down to Nick Goings at running back, and while Goings is a perfectly good backup (he filled in great for Stephen Davis and DeShaun Foster in ‘04), he hasn’t gotten much work this year. Since Goings will be the ground attack, the ‘Hawks will probably quintuple-cover Steve Smith and dare Carolina to run. I don’t think they’ll be able to. Two short Shaun Alexander touchdowns and one by Joe The Fucking Man Jurevicius do it for Seattle; Smith ends up with 130 yards and a TD, but he can’t do all of it by himself (…or can he? This point’s where some of my doubt comes in).

All bets are off, by the way, if the Seahawks start trash-talking Smith before the game. You don’t jab sharp sticks into the lion’s cage, guys… it’s only gonna make him mad. Seattle 21, Carolina 17.

Last week: 1-3 (ouch). Playoffs: 3-5.

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January 17, 2006

Tags: NFL | Posted by Allen at @ 8:27 pm
» Just so you don’t forget (and don’t let our 1-3 weekend picking the NFL playoffs fool you), we do occassionally know what we’re talking about around here. We called it here fifteen days ago:

The Saints’ coaching job will be a pretty tough sell for owner Tom Benson and GM Mickey Loomis; I’d expect that position to go to someone with no NFL head-coaching experience.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the desperate-for-a-head-coaching-job Sean Peyton, former quarterbacks coach of the Dallas Cowboys and new head coach of the New Orleans Saints.

Petyon has been a candidate for head coaching jobs for the last several years, dating to his days with the New York Giants; he was almost named coach of the Oakland Raiders a couple of years ago before backing out of the gig to stay with the Cowboys. And really, given what we’ve seen from Oakland the last two years, can you really blame the guy? Had he taken the Raiders job, he’d likely still have been available now for the Saints job, but with a failed first go-round as coach on his resume.

Peyton’s hiring just solidifies the assumption that the Saints will be selecting a quarterback with the second overall selection in the draft — the only question, of course, is whether they’ll take Matt Leinart or Vince Young. (And secretly, we don’t think it’s even that much of a question, but the media has to have something to write about for the next three months.)

» A Steelers fan had a heart attack after Jerome Bettis’ fumble on the Indianapolis one-yard line. We’re only surprised there weren’t more heart attacks in Pittsburgh because of that game — especially given the atrocious state of the officiating in that game. (Yeah, we know we harped on this topic yesterday, but we’re not done. Referee Pete Morelli should’ve been hauled out to midfield, stipped naked, hogtied and forced to let Troy Polamalu have his way with him. And we still think Polamalu would’ve gotten the worse screwing.)

Steelers coach Bill Cowher has come out in support of the refs, trying to temper comments made by increasingly vocal linebacker Joey Porter — all in all a good move for Cowher, we think, since we can’t imagine the referees in next Sunday’s AFC Championship game giving his team the benefit of the doubt on close calls if he’d ripped the officials. Do we really think the refs do that kind of thing on purpose, allow personal feelings to influence penalty calls? No, not usually, but they are human (most of them, anyway…we think), so why take chances?

And if the NFL fines coaches and players for castigating refs in public fora, shouldn’t they give small bonuses to coaches and players for praising officials in the same contexts? Just askin’.

» Norv Turner’s already found a new job, and he doesn’t even have to move: he’s the new offensive coordinator of the San Francisco 49ers. We think this is a great move by the Niners, since Turner’s repeatedly proven himself to be a much better coordinator than head coach, and San Francisco clearly needed to do something to improve that offense. We mean, c’mon…their offense was so terrible last year — worst in the NFL — that their old coordinator wound up parlaying that gig into a head coaching job.

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January 16, 2006

Tags: NFL, MLB, Rumor Mill | Posted by Allen at @ 11:09 pm
» Against our advice, the New York Jets have hired Patriots defensive coordinator Eric Mangini as their new head guy Even though we disagreed with this decision, we’ll defer to Sports Illustrated’s Peter King here: better to get the guy you want before he’s ready than not to be able to get him when he is. As long as the Jets are willing to give him a chance to succeed, to invest a minimum of three or four years in Mangini, this move might work out. But Jets fans need to be willing to accept a couple of serious rebuilding years with a newbie head coach and probably a newbie quarterback and running back, and likely an entirely new defense since Mangini’s a defensively-minded guy. Long-term, hiring Mangini might prove to be a fantastic move; we’re just afraid that he’ll never get to that long term, especially in the glare of the New York media. Best of luck, Eric Mangini — you’re gonna need it.

» Mangini’s departure to the swamps of New Jersey, or course, leaves yet another hole in the New England coaching staff, once a rock of consistency. We hope that Bill Belichick’s hunt for new coordinators goes more quickly and more smoothly than last year’s miserable debacle. The Pats still don’t even have an offensive coordinator after Charlie Weis ditched them for Notre Dame last year.

» The NFL admitted that referee Pete Morelli was clearly watching something other than videotape of Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu’s interception of Indianapolis’ Peyton Manning when Morelli’s head was in the replay hood — may we hope it was an episode of “Arrested Development”? While the play was clearly an interception, fumble and recovery — all by Polamalu — Morelli decided to embellish the NFL rulebook with his own creative interpretation of the phrase “act common to the game.” While we at Sportsgeekz don’t like even to think of such things, we ask if maybe it’s worthwhile to see if Mr. Morelli has any ties to any known gambling cartels…

» Obviously using a slightly different definition of the word “classic,” 43-year-old Roger Clemens and 41-year-old Barry Bonds are both part of the initial roster for the U.S. team for the World Baseball Classic.

» The Not-Yet-Las-Vegas Marlins signed super-duper starting pitcher Dontrelle Willis to a one-year, $4.35 million contract, essentially giving themselves more time to sign him to the ginormous contract sure to come his way soon. We realize that the Marlins have been shedding payroll the way the Patriots shed coordinators (ba dum bump), but they have got to hold onto Willis, no matter what the cost. He’s the face of their franchise and can be for the next 10-to-12 years, and they’ll need that kind of marketable personality to help sell season tickets when they move to Vegas.

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Sportsgeekz History


Aug 10

February 16, 2006

Tags: Soccer | Posted by Orion at @ 11:02 am
[Ed. note: For those of you wondering just what Orion’s talking about with all these bizarre acronyms, we refer you back to his column from last week where he clearly spells it all out for you in such exquisite detail that even most members of the Bush Administration could understand it.]

Qualification for the World Cup is a long, arduous process. At the top, FIFA figures out (by using some mystic formula, which really translates to magically waving their hands) how many of the 32 available qualification spots to dole out to each confederation. Confederations then get to figure out their own qualifying tournament or tournaments, crown the right number of champions, and send them on to the Final Draw.

Let’s take CONCACAF as an example. There were 34 teams battling it out for 3.5 spots in the Finals (more later on what “half a spot” means). CONCACAF qualifying takes two years (it started in February of 2004, this time around) and goes through four rounds. The first round pits most of the smaller teams against each other — the teams that made it (or almost made it) to the World Cup last time don’t come in until Round Two. Round One is a two-game home-and-away playoff (this is commonly known as the “cup” format), so 22 teams are whittled down to 12 (there are a couple of byes thrown in). Round Two matches up the remaining 12 teams against the 12 winners from Round One, and is also a two-game playoff.

Now things get more interesting. The 12 winners from Round Two are broken into three pools of four. Within each pool, every team plays each other twice (once home, once away) in a round-robin format. The top two teams from each pool advance to Round Four, which is often known as “The Hexagonal” (because there are six teams). Round Four is again a round-robin home-and-away (sometimes called “league” format) tournament, and at the end of the day the teams are ranked and spots at the Finals are handed out.

The Wikipedia page on CONCACAF qualifying describes all of this as well, and if you’re as anal-retentive about following the exact results of each game as I am, you can see all the qualifying matches there. I’ll wait here while the OCD folks in the audience check that page out…

Oh, and by the way, don’t pay too much attention to anything I just wrote, because when qualification for 2010 starts up, the format is likely to be completely different (except for the Hexagonal, which is pretty constant.) Such is the life of an international soccer fan.

So what’s the deal with getting 3.5 spots? Well, of the six teams in Round Four, the top three (USA, Mexico, and Costa Rica) are automatically granted passage to the World Cup. The fourth-place team might make it, but they have to play another “cup” format round against a “half spot” from some other confederation. In 2005 the half-spot playoffs were between CONCACAF and AFC, and between CONMEBOL and OFC. Trinidad and Tobago (4th place CONCACAF) defeated Bahrain (5th place AFC) in October, winning 2-1 “on aggregate.” In the other playoff, Australia (1st place OFC) defeated Uruguay (5th place CONMEBOL) on penalty kicks after each team won their home game 1-0.

Okay. Every confederation has filled its allocations, the half-spot playoffs have been held, and we know all 32 teams that are going to the World Cup. (By the way, here’s this year’s breakdown: UEFA 14 (including Germany, who automatically qualify as host), CAF 5, CONMEBOL 4.5 4, OFC 0.5 1, AFC 4.5 4, CONCACAF 3.5 4) Now what?

Now we come to the mystical process known as the Final Draw. The first thing that happens is that FIFA decides who the “ranked” teams are. There are eight pools, so there are eight ranked teams. Germany (host) and Brazil (defending champion) are automatically ranked, and placed in the pools that give them the largest stadia to play in (I’m not making that up). The remaining six ranked spots go to the teams that fared the best at World Cup 2002, World Cup 1998, and the World Rankings in 2005, 2004, and 2003. Again, there is theoretically a mathematical formula that one could follow to get these rankings, but there’s always so much press and controversy around the rankings that you wonder whether people inside FIFA are pulling strings to give certain teams more or less than they deserve.

Okay, now we know who the ranked teams are. They go into Slot 1 of each of the eight pools, so none of them has to play any other until the second round. The rest of the slots are drawn out of “pots” full of little balls that have each country’s name written on them. Teams are divided into pots mostly based on confederation, so that two teams from the same confederation don’t have to play each other in the first round. (The exception is UEFA, which has so many slots that it would be impossible to prevent that.) If you want to know all the nitty-gritty details (and they are described in excruciating detail), there’s a PDF file on the World Cup home page (look for “Final Draw” in the navbar) that you can go read. Basically, they draw balls from the pots in some specific order that fills in the groups, while millions of people watch breathlessly and hope their team doesn’t get totally shafted.

Yep, that’s right, this whole process is broadcast live on TV around the world, and at last count something like 350 million people watched it. (I followed the webcast in a cute little Java applet that didn’t refresh quickly enough.) 11,000 people were in the auditorium where the draw happened. Heidi Klum was on hand to assist. Take all the pomp and circumstance around something like the Emmys, multiply it by a couple orders of magnitude, and make it about soccer. You start to get the idea. Oh, and by the way, the USA got shafted, by which I mean they got drawn into one of the hardest groups.

From here it looks pretty simple. The first round of the World Cup Finals is made up of eight pools of four teams each, played in single round-robin (’cause there’s no such thing as “home” and “away”, here). The top two teams from each pool advance. Then a 16-team playoff bracket decides the World Cup Champion, who gets to carry the 18-karat gold World Cup Trophy around for four years.

But first, you have to qualify.

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February 12, 2006

Tags: NFL | Posted by Allen at @ 10:25 pm
Last year, I came out with my unrealistcally early predicitions for the 2005 NFL season — right after the Super Bowl, before free agency, before the draft. The Patriots’ fingerprints hadn’t even been wiped off of the Lombardi Trophy before I confidently stated that the Eagles would defeat the Ravens in Super Boxl XL. Of course, neither team as much as caught a whiff of the playoff chase; neither did five of the other teams I predicted still to be around in the postseason. The Lions? The Cardinals? The friggin’ Packers? Yeah, big genius, me.

Not that last year’s pathetic failure is going to stop me from making just a big of an ass of myself this year.

Remember, these predictions are before any of the major personnel moves to come over the next few months, though coaching hires are certainly taken into account. Also remember, these are not my official predictions, which won’t be released until late August. I certainly wouldn’t recommend you wager even a single dollar based on the information I’m about to provide. Caveats aside, away we go:

AFC East: Patriots
AFC North: Bengals
AFC South: Colts
AFC West: Chargers
Wild Cards: Dolphins, Broncos

NFC East: Redskins
NFC North: Bears
NFC South: Panthers
NFC West: Seahawks
Wild Cards: Eagles, Buccaneers

AFC Championship: Patriots over Colts (yes, again)
NFC Championship: Redskins over Seahawks

Super Bowl XLI: PATRIOTS over Redskins

So there you have it: a Super Bowl matchup guaranteed to strain the friendship between me and fellow Sportsgeek (and lifelong ‘Skins fan) Timmy B. Also notice that I’m predicting the Steelers to follow the recent trend of Super Bowl champs failing to make the playoffs the next year — their schedule is ridiculously tough next year, so I’m saying the barely miss out.

Feel free to check back next February and mock me mercilessly.

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February 10, 2006

Tags: Soccer | Posted by Orion at @ 1:49 pm
Okay, so, I’m led to believe that many of you diehard SportsGeekz readers (all five or six of you) are missing some important background information when it comes to the world of soccer. Sure, everyone’s heard of the World Cup, but when I start throwing around acronyms like CONCACAF, people’s heads start to spin. And understandably so. So as a public service effort, I’ll spend the next couple of weeks (between Road to the World Cup posts) filling in some of the gaps in your soccer education.

We’re focusing on the World Cup here, so today I’ll talk about the political structure of the international game: the governing bodies, who controls what, who’s the best and who’s scraping the bottom. I’ll also define a bunch of those acronyms for you, so that in the future when I say that the president of UEFA stuck a banana up FIFA’s tailpipe you’ll know that it’s a pretty big deal.

Now, you may have already figured out that just about every country out there (205 of them, as of the latest rankings) has its own soccer “federation,” or national governing body. (U.S. Soccer is ours.) The national federations are grouped by geography into continental “confederations,” of which there are six:

CONCACAF (Confederation Of North and Central American and Caribbean Association Football, pronounced [KON-ka-kaff]), covering… well, just like it says. (Yes, I typed that from memory. No, don’t make me type it again.)
CONMEBOL (Confederación Sudamericana de Fútbol – it’s not much of an acronym, I’m afraid, but it’s pronounced [KON-meh-bowl]), covering South America.
UEFA (Union of European Football Associations, pronounced [yoo-AY-fah]), covering all of Europe and some Asia-bordering teams.
AFC (Asian Football Confederation), covering most of Asia and the Middle East.
OFC (Oceania Football Confederation), covering the Pacific islands.
CAF (Confédération Africaine de Football), covering Africa.
The overarching international governing body is called FIFA (Fédération Internationale de Football Association, pronounced [FEE-fah]), is headquartered in Switzerland, and runs the whole show from the top down. Which is not to say that there’s never any conflict between FIFA and the confederations, or between confederations and national federations, or even between federations and the pro leagues that run in the same country. Quite the opposite — and it usually makes for some entertaining press, although it also devolves into a lot of wanking from people who make a bigger deal out of themselves than they ought to.

*cough* Um, but I digress.

UEFA is generally considered the powerhouse of the game; as well it should, since the sport was invented in England, and 13 of the top 20 teams are European (as of the January ‘06 world rankings). However, CONMEBOL teams have won more World Cups (nine to UEFA’s eight), as well as hosting the country that has won the most World Cups on its own (Brazil, with five). It might be more accurate to say that UEFA is the political powerhouse of the game, since it seems to me that UEFA often dictates policy to FIFA, who occasionally put up some token resistance that usually doesn’t last very long.

Apart from the top two, the power rankings get a little more murky. CONCACAF only has a couple of good teams at all, but the USA and Mexico are currently tied for 7th in the rankings (ahead of England — ssh!). Costa Rica barely misses at 21st, but you have to go down to 50th to find the next CONCACAF team (Trinidad and Tobago), and it gets worse from there. I’ll let my home team bias show through and declare that CONCACAF takes the third spot, even though FIFA still only gives us 3.5 qualifying slots to the World Cup (more on that next time).

The AFC and CAF haven’t traditionally featured prominently in either the world rankings or at the World Cup, but they’ve also definitely been on the upswing in the last decade or so. One need only look at South Korea’s semifinal run in the 2002 World Cup to see the progress that they’re making. African teams, by contrast, often show a lot of promise but inevitably falter in the highest levels of competition.

The OFC stands out as the worst confederation by far, especially in light of the recent decision by FIFA to allow Australia (historically the only halfway decent team in the OFC) to move to the Asian confederation instead. This was done for the sake of parity, since Australia will have much more reasonable competition in the AFC than they did in Oceana, but look for no OFC teams at all to ever make it to the World Cup again. Unless New Zealand (currently tops, at 121st) decides to adopt a liberal policy of granting citizenships to really good soccer players.

It’s worth mentioning here that the FIFA World Rankings really are the product of a mathematical formula, and have nothing to do with politics. I could explain the whole thing to you, but you probably don’t care; suffice to say that a team gains points when they win and loses points when they lose, games that are more important (like World Cup matches) are worth more points, and recent games count more than games played a year ago.

Next time I’ll cover the World Cup qualification process. It’s long, arduous, grueling, and tests your mettle – and I’m talking about being a fan of the process. I can only image what the players must go through. In the meanwhile, if you’ve got burning questions, feel free to comment on this post or send an email to orion at sportsgeekz.com, and I’ll get to them in a future post.

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Tags: Miscellaneous, Columns | Posted by Timmy B at @ 9:37 am
We would be remiss in our geekly duties if we did not recognize today’s notable birthdays.

Happy Birthday, Houston Astros outfielder Lance Berkman.

And Happy Birthday to you, golfer/strangulation survivor Greg Norman.

And Olympic legend Mark Spitz? Step up and celebrate, too.

Oh, yeah, and it’s Allen’s birthday, too. He doesn’t have a Green Jacket, or any Olympic gold medals (though if they ever ratify typing as an Olympic event, he’s in there), but he was born on this day just the same. Hopefully, his three lovely ladies will help him ring it in style.

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February 7, 2006

Tags: NFL | Posted by Allen at @ 12:03 am
I never thought I’d say this about a Super Bowl in which a team I had an actual rooting interest was playing, but… holy schnikies, that was easily the worst Super Bowl I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen every Super Bowl since Niners-Dolphins after the ‘84 season (except for Broncos-Packers, when I had to fucking work during the game (but which remains the only Super Bowl for which I correctly guessed the exact score beforehand)), and I can’t remember any that was even close to that terrible. Even the blowouts had some memorable moments in them, but this one… eh. From top to bottom, pre-game to halftime to post-game to the game itself, that thing was just abysmal.

And if we’re going to be using the word “abysmal,” let’s start by applying that word to the officiating, shall we? Seems a fair place to begin. I’ll state up front that yeah, I’m a Seahawks fan, so of course I’m more than a little tweaked by some of those calls. But I also want to say up front that I’m not blaming the entirety of the Seattle loss on the refs: the officials certainly contributed, but the Seahawks did plenty to lose the game on their own. And to make sure you don’t think I’m slighting Pittsburgh when I say that, I’ll say that none of the bogus calls were on the big plays that won the game for the Steelers. Those plays Seattle blew all on their own.

But c’mon, refs… that was not pass interference on Darrell Jackson in the end zone. Should’ve been six points. The ball did not cross the goal line on Ben Roethlisberger’s “touchdown” (though there certainly wasn’t enough visual evidence to overturn the shoddy call on the field, a call the ref wasn’t even going to make at first). Should’ve been six fewer (or at the least three fewer, assuming they’d have gone for the field goal on the next play) for Pittsburgh. That was not holding on Sean Locklear — should’ve been first and goal from the one for Seattle, a situation which quite probably would have led to their taking the lead. And on the very next play, Pittsburgh was clearly offsides, blatantly offsides on the sack of Matt Hasselbeck. No flag.

I was honestly surprised the Hasselbeck fumble in the fourth quarter was overturned. There must not even have been any obscure little tidbits tucked away in the deepest recesses of the rule book they could use to justify giving the ball to Pittsburgh on that one. But I’m sure they tried.

Again, credit goes to the Steelers: Pittsburgh did what they had to do, they made the big plays when they had to — the third-and-28 completion to Hines Ward, Willie Parker’s 75-yard run, the Randle El-to-Ward touchdown — and the Seahawks didn’t. But the officiating was very, very clearly in Pittsburgh’s favor. I’ve never been one to feel that the NFL has ever rigged their games, but I’m starting to doubt after these playoffs. The Patriots-Broncos game which was practically gift-wrapped for Denver, the Colts-Steelers game the refs desperately tried to give to Indy… the smell of something fishy’s coming from the direction of Paul Tagliabue’s office, if you ask me.

(Think about it for a minute — if someone were going to try to fix a game, whether it be the NFL trying to promote certain teams and stars over others or whether gamblers somehow got on the inside, you know you’re not going to get to the players. Those guys make too much money, they’ve got too much professional pride, and rarely can one player determine the outcome of the game by himself, especially not without being horribly obvious. But if you got to the refs? Yeah, there’s no guarantee that they could swing the game one way or the other, but they most certainly can influence the direction the game takes. Just like they did Sunday night.)

The officiating wasn’t the only stinkbomb laid in Detroit last night, either. The production by ABC Sports was absolutely amateurish. From not following Jerome Bettis out of the tunnel — when his teammates specifically let him go first to get him that moment in the spotlight — to the absolutely incomprehensible decision not to show any fucking game statistics, it was balls-out horrid. Awful pregame (I love you, Stevie Wonder, but leave your family offstage next time, OK? And hey, Aaron, Aretha, Dr. John — were the three of you all playing the same song? ‘Cause I really couldn’t tell. (Line of the night goes to my buddy Mike: “Holy god, who ate Aretha?!”)), awful halftime. Just terrible. I’m glad this will be the last time for the forseeable future that ABC will have the rights to the Super Bowl.

My boss at work made a valid point today: compare this year’s game and telecast to the Patriots-Rams game from four years ago. Fantastic game which featured a double-digit underdog winning the game on a last-second field goal; U2 playing a nearly transcendent set at halftime. Thinking about that game makes this one suck even more when you put them side by side.

Let’s get back to that no-stats thing for just a moment… I realize that the Super Bowl isn’t really for the football fans anymore and hasn’t been for a long time. But hey, NFL and ABC — you do realize that there are still plenty of us who’re watching for the game and not just for the commercials, right? (More suck: what a disappointing batch of ads overall. Very few were even mildly entertaining.) When the game was over, I had no idea who was going to be named MVP, largely because I didn’t have any numeric yardstick to base my guess on. I talked to Timmy B. after the game and he clued me in to the fact that Hines Ward had 120 yards along with his touchdown — I had no idea. Nor did I realize that Hasselbeck threw the ball 49 times for almost 300 yards. Or that Shaun Alexander had almost 100 yards. Or that Roethlisberger had a passer rating of 22 — the only stat I remember seeing during the entire game was midway through the second when they showed Big Ben’s QB rating of zero. After that? Nothin’. Would it really have distracted viewers from the commercials that much to toss us a statistical bone occasionally?

The travesty about the Supbar Bowl was that it came on the heels of what had been a pretty exciting season to date. That game’s going to leave a bad taste in my mouth for a long time… well, OK, until the free agency period starts in three weeks. And of course, then we’ve got the draft to look forward to…

(The really infuriating thing? Knowing with absolute certainty while watching that game that the Patriots would have decimated either one of those teams the way they were playing yesterday. Grr.)

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In Memory of the original Sportsgeekz


Aug 10

When Champions Falter
Posted by Ben Cordes on January 3, 2007 @ 11:10 pm
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Tags: Miscellaneous, Soccer
Let me be the first to say “Happy New Year” to all you Sportsgeekz out there in the vastness of the Intarweb. I hope your 2007 is a pleasant, fruitful, and productive one; I think you can expect good things out of us in the new year and we hope you’ll stick around for the ride.

With that out of the way, let’s get snarky. Who doesn’t love to see a champion losing?

A bit of background. In the English Premier League, Chelsea are the New York Yankees. They spend big, they have the highest payroll in the league, and because of it they’ve won two league championships in a row and were looking pretty good to make it three at the start of this season. But Manchester United (let’s call them the EPL’s Boston Red Sox) have opened up a six-point lead at the midpoint of the season and show no sign of giving it up.

I. Am. Loving. This. We Americans tend to thrive on champions. We love to see teams establish a dynasty – the Chicago Bulls of the 90’s were everybody’s favorite team back then. But we also thrive on the divide between good and evil. How many times have you heard a football fan say, “I only cheer for two teams: (some home team they like), and whoever’s playing against the Dallas Cowboys.”

The same thing’s happening in England. Manchester United used to have their own dynasty going about five years ago, but to be perfectly honest I’m just so happy that Chelsea isn’t winning that I don’t care who’s in front of them. Chelsea is everything that’s evil about sports: a billionaire owner buys the team, decides to sink tons of money into buying up overvalued players, wins a championship. Where’s the fun in that? I bitch about “parity” in the NFL as much as the next guy (hi, Allen) but there’s something to be said for more than one team having even a chance to be successful.

Look, you all know how little I like baseball, but I’ll be honest. I laugh with glee every time I hear George Steinbrenner toss a Next Year For Sure sound bite at the media because I think that the Yankees are evil. Lots of money doesn’t buy you a team – it buys you a bunch of individually good players. If nothing else, the New England Patriots have shown us that having a good team goes a long way even if you don’t have many superstar players. You might even win a league championship or three.

And who thinks of the New England Patriots as evil? Well, okay, Eric Mangini probably does, but he doesn’t count.

Meanwhile, back in England, all the teams faced a tough schedule over the winter holidays: four games in ten days is a lot by professional soccer standards. Manchester United came through in style with three wins and a draw. But every time I opened up my blogs and saw the news, I had to laugh, because Chelsea drew three and won one. Chelsea’s manager, who loves to talk smack, had said that these couple of games were going to be important and now that he’s trailing by six points again he’s claiming that he’s “happy” with how far back his team is.

I am eating this up faster than my dad’s standing rib roast on New Year’s Day – and my father is a damn good cook.

So, while you’re hunkering down in front of your televisions this week to watch the mystery that is the college football bowl system attempting to resolve a “national champion” through one game, just remember: Americans may love a winner, but there’s nothing more fun than watching an evil team lose.

More Technorati: EPL, Chelsea, Manchester United

NFL Week 17 Picks
Posted by Allen Holt on December 30, 2006 @ 4:28 pm
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Tags: NFL
New York Giants (-2.5) at WASHINGTON REDSKINS
I think it’s best for all parties involved with the Giants — particularly their fans — that this season end as soon as possible.

Buffalo Bills at BALTIMORE RAVENS (-9)
The Ravens still have a chance to lock up home field advantage, so they’ll won’t be looking past the Bills. Baltimore should have next week to rest.

GREEN BAY PACKERS at Chicago Bears (-3)
Unlike the Ravens, the Bears have nothing left to play for until the postseason gets here. Over/under on the number of nostalgic Brett Favre bits on the Sunday night telecast? Whatever it is, take the over. The Pack wins this one for Brett, who announces immediately after the game that he’s coming back for ‘07.

Pittsburgh Steelers at CINCINNATI BENGALS (-6)
The Bengals salvage this last game of the season, only to see the two AFC wild card slots go to Denver and the Jets.

Detroit Lions at DALLAS COWBOYS (-12.5)
Dallas takes out all of their frustrations on the hapless Lions. Fans in Ford Field cheer wildly when the clock hits 0:00 at the end of the fourth, rejoicing the expected end of the Matt Millen Era. After the game, the Lions announce Millen has been given a three-year contract extension and has the Ford family’s complete support and respect. Brady Quinn begins condo shopping in suburban Detroit.

Cleveland Browns at HOUSTON TEXANS (-4)
The Texans pull out a win to finish 6-10 in Gary Kubiak’s first season as coach, their best record in three years. Maybe it’s not Reggie Bush levels of excitement, but nevertheless it shows Houston fans the team’s headed in the right direction. It doesn’t appear the same can be said for the Browns, who axe Romeo Crennel on Monday (after ten wins in two years) and set the Rebuildometer back to zero.

Miami Dolphins at INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-9)
It’s not often that a 12-4 record and a division title could be considered a disappointment. This year for Indy, it is.

Jacksonville Jaguars at KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-2.5)
Herm Edwards tries desperately to get Larry Johnson the NFL rushing title by running him 41 times for 168 yards. Unfortunately for Herm and Larry, LaDanian Tomlinson goes for 161 in the Chargers’ win over the Cardinals, securing the title for himself.

ST. LOUIS RAMS (-2) at Minnesota Vikings
After the game, the 8-8 Rams realize how close they came to being able to win the NFC West, and vow to themselves not to let the Seahawks slip away from them next year.

CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3) at New Orleans Saints
Yet another stat to point out just how bad the NFC is this year: 10-6 will be a good enough record to get the Saints a first-round bye.

Oakland Raiders at NEW YORK JETS (-12)
The Raiders are so bad that they can’t even lose right: even a season as abjectly miserable as this one has been won’t even net them the top overall pick.

Atlanta Falcons at PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-8)
Jeff Garcia leads the Eagles to the NFC East title and secures himself a nice fat contract from some QB-desperate team for ‘07. In a post-game press conference, Falcons coach Jim Mora “jokingly??? tells reporters how much he’d love to coach the Cardinals if only he weren’t under contract with Atlanta. Owner Arthur Blank fixes that problem for Mora moments later.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3)
What does it say about the defending NFC champions that they’re underdogs to a four-win team on their third quarterback of the year? The Seahawks do still have Hasselbeck and Alexander, don’t they?

New England Patriots at TENNESSEE TITANS (-3)
Brady sits after halftime; Vince Young does what Vince Young does; Titans fans get one massive collective erection looking ahead to 2007.

San Francisco 49ers at DENVER BRONCOS (-10.5)
Jay Cutler shakes Alex Smith’s hand after the game: “Don’t sweat it, man, I just had a better team around me when I got here than what you had. You’ll be fine.???

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-14) at Arizona Cardinals
Lions offensive coordinator Mike Martz watches this game from the Detroit locker room, looks at all of that offensive talent in Arizona, that beautiful new stadium, and dials his agent on his cell phone, then calls information and gets the number for a realtor in Phoenix.

NFL Power Rankings: Week Sixteen
Posted by The Geekz on December 28, 2006 @ 12:35 pm
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Tags: NFL, Power Rankings
1. San Diego (13-2; last week: 1)
They’re becoming more cold-blooded and efficient each week. And I’m sure Arizona’s going to send a nice fruit basket to Jason Taylor after his nice little jab at Shawne Merriman’s Defensive POY candidacy. Right after Merriman sets a new sack record in only 12 games and impales Matt Leinart with one of his own linemen.

2. Baltimore (12-3; lw: 2t)
The hell with playing for a bye - go for home field advantage.

3. New Orleans (10-5; lw: 5t)
Reggie Bush’s career begins on the same field where Tom Coughlin’s ends. Circle of life, man, circle of life.

4. Chicago (13-2; lw: 4)
Is it possible the Bears are the least fearsome 13-2 team in NFL history? Betcha Griese gets more than half a quarter of playing time this week.

5. New England (11-4; lw: 5t)
The win over the Jags means they might just end up playing someone else in the first round of the playoffs. And if you’re curious - yes, Ben F. did wet himself just a little when Brady took that hit.

6. Indianapolis (11-4; lw: 2t)
Nice Christmas gift for Ron Dayne, Colts. You shouldn’t have. And, now that Dan Marino’s been retired for awhile, is it safe to say that Peyton Manning is the undisputed master of the “sound diplomatic while actually crucifying teammates” technique? “C’mon guys, take it easy on [insert full Christian name and street address of teammate here]. It’s a team game; we win and lose as a team, and it’s just not right or accurate to point fingers at [points finger at same teammate named above] as if his six missed tackles cost us a freaking home playoff game. Let’s just say that the team is going to have another meeting or two, maybe at [poor pitiful teammate’s address].”

7. Philadelphia (9-6; lw: 9)
Terrell Owens returning to Philly, Owens and Garcia playing against one another, Romo implodes, the Eagles sneak into the playoffs, the Cowboys lose their grip on the top spot in the NFC East. You’d think there was something funny in all of that, but there really really isn’t. Sigh.

8. Denver (9-6; lw: 12)
Was anyone really that shocked that a guy from Santa Claus, Indiana would deliver big on a Christmas Eve game?

9 (tie). Dallas (9-6; lw: 7)
Making excuses, bashing play calling… now there’s a TO we can get behind! So much for Parcells taking three teams to a Super Bowl. Now that Terry Glenn’s put his TO cents in (get it? two?) and that locker room’s splitting up faster than Jessica Simpson and Whoever, Parcells will be more likely be taking three grandkids to Chuck E Cheese in February than three teams to the Big Game.

9 (tie). Tennessee (8-7; lw: 11)
Prognosis: Vince Young has infected the entire team with a severe case of priapism –? they just won’t go down [1]. A playoff berth is still just a dot on the horizon, but a strong showing against the Patriots this weekend might just cement Young’s status as rookie of the year (Sorry, Mo-Jo.)

11. New York Jets (9-6; lw: –)
Ben F. wants to meet the man that said Pennington was already washed up and couldn’t lead his team out of a wet paper bag much less on a playoff run. Oh wait… that was Ben.

12. Cincinnati (8-7; lw: 8)
The remaining 8-7 team that a) doesn’t have Vince Young under center and b) needs the least help from other teams to make the playoffs. That and a long snapper. Sweet Jesus.
Buh-bye: Jacksonville (lw: 10).
[1] See also Ben F.’s high school girlfriend Kristy.

News and Notes from NFL Week Sixteen
Posted by Allen Holt on December 26, 2006 @ 4:08 pm
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Tags: NFL
Sorry for the lack of updates these last few days — the holiday season might have given us some cool books and awesome new noise-cancelling headphones, but it also took all of the time and attention we normally would have given to the site. Things will return to normal with the start of the year, we promise.

But so as not to leave you completely deprived, a few quick, ill-thought-out, random thoughts concerning Week 16 of the National Football League:

» The NFC is guaranteed of having an 8-8 team in the playoffs. The AFC might have 10-6 teams sit out. There might be something to this concept of not seeding playoff teams based on conference, though as we all know, these things are incredibly cyclical — anyone remember from the mid-80s to mid-90s when it seemed as if no AFC team would ever be able to win a Super Bowl again?

» Speaking of, can we just decide now that the winner of the Baltimore-San Diego AFC Championship Game is the 2006 NFL champion? We know that we still have to go through the spectacle of the Super Bowl itself, but given the way the Chargers and Ravens are playing and the massive blister that is the entire NFC, that “spectacle” might be more akin to “ritual sacrifice.” But man, are we already looking forward to the AFC title game.

» Funny how this has been such a down season for New England, a year in which the Patriots clearly weren’t playing at the levels we’ve become used to over the last few years… and it’ll still end up as an 11- or 12-win season with another division title earned. Next year, though, the AFC East should be wide open — all four teams look capable of making a run at the division in ‘07.

» We predict the following coaches will be filing for unemployment by late next week: Denny Green, Jon Gruden, Bill Cowher (admittedly, by his own choice), Jim Mora. Maybe Romeo Crennel. We predict Art Shell will not lose his job, though we think he should. It’s surprising the number of high-profile coaches whose teams have disappointed with this year when so many teams with no-name rookie coaches have done so well. Almost makes you question exactly how valuable the head coach is to a team’s fortunes.

» NBC moves this week’s Bears-Packers game to Sunday night, obviously gambling that they’ll be broadcasting Brett Favre’s final game — the telecast is sure to be wall-to-wall Favre. Which means, of course, that Favre is almost a lock to come back in ‘07.

» Finally, congratulations to our good buddy Jay for winning his second consecutive Sportsgeekz Fantasy Football League championship. He also won the Sportsgeekz Pick ‘Em Challenge in 2004, meaning that he officially has owned our collective Sportsgeekz asses for the last three years. Maybe we should look into having Jay write a fantasy column for the site next season…?

NFL Power Rankings: Week Fifteen
Posted by The Geekz on December 21, 2006 @ 12:29 pm
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Tags: NFL, Power Rankings
There’s some excitement in the ol’ Power Rankings this week since so many of the teams we liked to think of as “good” got their butts handed to them last week. So many teams lost that one of those losers, the Bengals, actually gained a spot. And thanks to all of those losses, we can now officially welcome the Tennessee Titans to the rankings for the first time this year. We expect to see more of them here in ‘07.

1. San Diego (12-2; Last Week: 1)
What more can we really say about LaDanian Tomlinson at this point? OK, we’ll say this: remember that he re-did his contract several years ago at a price lower than market value so that he could stay in San Diego long-term and let management build up the rest of the team around him. Maybe some of these guys who simply sign with whoever offers them the most money might want to look to LT as an example instead — especially if he ends up with a Super Bowl ring this year.

2 (tie). Baltimore (11-3; lw: 4)
This ranking is entirely contingent on McNair’s returning to the lineup on Sunday. We can’t in good conscience put any team relying on Kyle Boller as their quarterback this high. Admittedly, if there’s anything we learned last weekend, it’s that if a team has a sufficently good and motivated defense, they don’t need an offense at all.

2 (tie). Indianapolis (11-3; lw: 5)
Think the Colts missed Freeney much? While we certainly don’t feel like the ship had been righted, Monday night’s win over Cincinnati at least means the Colts aren’t sinking any deeper. Did anybody really expect Peyton Manning not to bounce back to form sooner or later? There won’t be any resting Indy’s starters this year — they’re not even guaranteed a first-round bye yet. (Indy still has Houston and Miami, the Ravens have Pittsburgh and Buffalo; odds favor the Colts getting to sit out Wild Card Weekend.)

4. Chicago (12-2; lw: 3)
Rex Grossman overdelivers to make up for a crappy defense? Wait a minute…this is just the introduction to the opposite sketches! Man, we so fell for it. Their record be damned, home field advantage be damned (remember, that Bucs debacle was at Solider Field) — if I’m a Bears fan, I’m terrified of the upcoming postseason.

5 (tie). New Orleans (9-5; lw: 2)
Mulligan, n (’m&-li-g&n) : A second shot permitted without penalty.

5 (tie). New England (10-4; lw 6t)
The poor outmatched Texans got a face full of Patriots Ire at getting blanked by the ‘Fins. Stomping the Texans 40-7 isn’t necessarily the mark of a team ready for the playoffs. Not committing any turnovers? That is.

7. Dallas (9-5; lw: 8)
They win the division with a win over the Eagles. Think T.O. spitting on someone is despicable? That’s because you haven’t seen him tackle Swoop on the sidelines and squeeze out a tightly coiled pile of holiday cheer on his chest this Monday night.

8. Cincinnati (8-6; lw: 9)
The least of the 8-6 evils, it seems. They kinda have to win this week, cuz if it comes down to a week 17 visit from Pittsburgh to decide this one we’re gonna weep openly.

9. Philadelphia (8-6; lw: 12)
Kudos for keeping the NFC East interesting and keeping hope alive for gay quarterbacks everywhere that they, too, could someday pilot NFL teams! Hey, do you think Garcia and T.O. will hug before the game?

10. Jacksonville (8-6; lw: 6t)
We’re starting to think the Jags really don’t want to make the playoffs.

11. Tennessee (7-7; lw: –)
Five in a row, and in the middle of a playoff pack. *This* is why the NFL playoffs shouldn’t be seeded. We don’t think the Titans are there quite yet, but the definition of a good team is one balanced enough that when one unit doesn’t show (the offense, in this case), another can bail them out (the defense). We think it’s time we all start giving Jeff Fisher the respect he deserves.

12. Denver (8-6; lw: –)
Funny the effect a single win can have. That, and having the Jags and the Bengals put up big fat losses. But whatever works for you.

Buh-bye: Seattle (lw: 10), New York Giants (lw: 11)

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